


I Should've Kept My Silence

by shutupfornothing



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-14 23:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15399687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shutupfornothing/pseuds/shutupfornothing
Summary: based on the song "sex" by EDENDan catches feelings for Phil, but to Phil it meant nothingItalics is the flashback to their last day together – it's all continuous





	I Should've Kept My Silence

It's been 5 months and I'm still a  fucking mess. 5 months of hearing, "it will get better" and too many variations of, "you'll get over him." They're trying to be helpful, I know that, but words can't stop the physical pain I feel every single day in my chest. I just wanted to be with him, to be something more with him. 

\- 

_ "Dan?" _

_ Phil walks into the lounge with grocery bags hanging on each arm. "Can you grab the rest of the groceries? I left them down by the door." _

\- 

I hadn't answered him. I couldn't. I spent a lot of that day sitting and staring at the ceiling. I thought that maybe it would come alive and take me away someplace else. I wish it had. I wouldn't be here. 

\- 

_ "Dan, can you hear me?" _

_ He always talks so gently to me. I want to tell him everything – every single thought I have of him, everything I've ever felt for him, everything I feel for him right now. I know I shouldn't. We made a promise.  _

_ No feelings. _

_ That is the one condition of this entire... whatever it is we're doing. _

\- 

'No feelings.' I was so stupid. I should have known. I was never any good at keeping promises. 

\- 

_ I look at him. It's always the same. He's beautiful, and I keep thinking that if I look long enough I'll get used to it. Maybe it will fade, or I'll stop seeing it after a while, but it hasn't, and it won't. _

_ "What's up?" Phil asks me. It's a simple question, but I know exactly what he means. _

_ "Nothing," I say back to him. It's a terrible lie and Phil always sees right through me. _

_ "C'mon. What are you thinking?" _

_ He comes over and sits with me. It should be comforting, but my brain is overloading with thoughts and unanswered questions, my heart is beating way too fast, and him being this close is causing my whole body to sting. _

_ "Dan, you can tell me anything." He's trying to coax me out of my head, but I can't let him this time. _

\- 

I should've walked away. I could have stood up and left to clear my head. There were a hundred things that would have helped, but I chose the one that would hurt the most. 

\- 

_ "Phil, do you love me?" _

\- 

I still remember how his face changed. Moments before when he was trying to soothe me it was soft, caring. He used to have that face often around me. Now the only face I can picture when I think about him is full of hard edges, the tight jaw of a deepened frown, and those awful lines between his brows as they slowly turned down. Phil was angry. 

\- 

_ He's not answering. I need him to answer. _

_ There's no movement from either of us. We're both waiting. I'm waiting for an answer and he's waiting for me to take it back, forget I said anything at all. I don't want to do that this time. All I've done is "forget" with Phil recently. I "forgot" about that first night and I've "forgotten" about every other night after that. _

\- 

That was my second mistake of the night. I could have easily played pretend with him again. I could have kept everything I had. I could have done more. 

\- 

_ Phil won't look at me. The only thing he says is, "we had a deal." _

\- 

Nine words were said between us. That's all it took. Nine words, and then I started sinking. 

\- 

_ I need air. I stand up and turn away from him. I can already feel the tears pooling up. They're about to spill over and the last thing I need is to cry in front of Phil. I'm shaking as I walk out the flat. _

\- 

I never used to be afraid to cry in front of him. Hell, I cried to him every day while I was at law school. Whether it was over Skype or in person, he was always there. The world felt ten times brighter whenever I was with Phil. 

For a while I considered going back. I could've pretended it was a joke, done anything to keep this moment from going down. I just couldn't find it in myself to want to lie any more. 

\- 

_ It's dark and quiet outside. Of course, the one time I want this city to be loud it's almost silent. With all the memories of Phil and I rushing around in my head, I need a distraction. _

\- 

Phil had my heart. I like to try and convince myself that he doesn't anymore. 

Honestly, I don't want it back. It's useless to me now. I laid down all the cards I had. He picked them up and threw them away, but at least he held them. 

\- 

_ "Dan! How are you?" Louise's voice sounded a bit deeper over the phone, but it was comforting nonetheless. _

_ I don't want to answer her. Whatever is worse than an awful, terrible mess of a fucking human being sounds quite accurate. _

_ "Can I come over?" I ask her instead. _

_ "Oh, of course! Is Phil coming too? He left a sock here last time. Just one sock! How do you even do that?" I hear her laughing and I move the phone from my ear and end the call. _

\- 

I cried for a long time that night. I ended up telling Louise everything. 

\- 

_ "It will mean nothing." _

_ "We'll keep it silent." _

_ "Neither of us are going to get attached." _

_ "We're just having sex." _

\- 

I should have kept my silence. All those words meant nothing to me. I should have never called it love, but either way I was staring down the barrel at bullets I could never stop. Either way I would've been hurt. Either way I'm still sinking, and I don't know how to forget him. 


End file.
